There Were Scrumptious Hats

Tuesday Treat

Excerpt from Walking to Oak-Head Pond, and Thinking of the Ponds I Will Visit in the Next Days and Weeks  by Mary Oliver

"...I'm wading along
in the sunlight-
and I'm sure I can see the fields and the ponds shining
days ahead-

I can see the light spilling
like a shower of meteors
into next week's trees,
and I plan to be there soon-

and, so far, I am
just that lucky,
my legs splashing
over the edge of darkness,
my heart on fire."

We Were Bad-Asses, Or at Least We Thought So

It's been at least ten years since I really thought about middle school, but last night I dreamed the faces of my friends and there they were.

When I read news articles or when people talk about girl gangs, a part of me understands so completely. In sixth and seventh grade I was part of a group of friends that was inseparable. We were dictatorial, derisive, and cruel as only girls can be. We formed innumerable combinations of best friends and scapegoats among ourselves--but when we were all together it was like dynamite. Our slumber parties were epic and legendary among our fringe friends. We would stay up all night talking about boys and abortion and feeling sexy and how to get rid of pimples and the women we were so close to becoming. Together we tried out futures and personalities and experimented with how it felt to be in love. Their faces and names are etched so deeply inside myself that I could recognize the emotions in their expressions instantly in my dream.

Cassie. Aurelia. Alison. Megan. Darcie. Kelsey. Tara.

There were more girls, more friends who came and went, but those are the ones my heart remembers from before we scattered. By eighth grade I had moved away, and even though I have precious letters from some of them it was never the same--it never is. One of my friends ran away from home and never came back. Some of them finished high school and some didn't. By the time I started college, I was out of touch with all of them. If, as adults, we crossed paths I doubt I would recognize a single one of them unless we started talking and then I would like to think that our hearts would tumble out of our mouths and I could see their twelve year old faces again--all laughing and full of braces.

In my dream, I was being hunted--fleeing from the terrible knowing that someone is after you, knowing that they will catch you and when they catch you you will die. But my friends, those girls, they came to my assistance as naturally as they would back in seventh grade. Arriving at my side--answering questions someone asked me with the answers that were already in my mouth. Not because they thought I couldn't speak, but because they knew exactly what I was going to say and that by saying it for me I was made stronger for it. In the dream someone asked me who the leader was, and they answered, saying that there really wasn't one, but if they had to pick one it was me.

Hidden

"when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work"

"It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings."  ~Wendell Berry

what i know is that i can't sit here much longer. I am so full. So full that 

this chair is torture, this desk is torture, the fan, the still air outside
my small space, the clicking of the keyboard, the slurp of water that
cools me for a moment and then stops cooling me completely. So full.
So full that my shoes are tight, my socks bursting up in the tops, my
ankles swelling with fullness. So full. Soulful. Souffle of boredom
and stress rising between my shoulder blades and branching into my
medulla oblongata. Fullness itching at my eyelids, scratching the
hairs in my nose. Full Full Full. I am going to look that Wendell
Berry quote I saw yesterday up and I will emblazon it across my dusty
window; those who are doing nothing and all of it. Spinning my wheels,
driving the ruts in deeper. I may look like I am holding still but
desperation is driving me inside. Each shallow breath pushing that
fullness like freight from vein to tunnel changing vein. Each shallow
breath telling me that I am full and that soon there will be no more
space left for more of this. I know what I want now, I just don't know
how to get from here with this circumferential path of uncertainties
and rules and agonizing breathlessness to there, with it's golden
gleaming promises of art and joy and laughter and a warm baby to hold.
How do get there from here? Which route will lead me to the wide open
vista of my life? The top of the plateau, the gleaming desires wide
necked and open before me? The tangle of the ocean of desire. I wish
to read again. I wish to open myself up to the possibilities of
theory, the proudness of understanding original thought, the glee of
knowing something new rising within me. I am full of here, full or
desire for there.

Hugging

This morning when I woke up I woke Retardo with my tears. It was a long convoluted dream, and I was going places, always going from one place to the next and at the end of the dream we arrived in this place and Everyone was there. Everyone, all sitting out in a long oval of lawn chairs, just waiting for us to arrive. And I saw my friend Droolie standing all the way down at one end and she had a lavender blanket over one shoulder and I knew there was a baby under it and ran all the way down and friends were heckling me because I didn't stop and say hello, and when I got down there I got to hug her and it was just her, there was no baby I could feel but the hug was so real and perfect and exactly what I needed and when we were done, I looked to my right and there was my Grandpa sitting in a chair and he was so whole so Not-Broken-Anymore and he said 'Come here Holly-Dolly,' and I came to him and he hugged me and it was such a good  good good hug.

Mandala Flower

Tuesday Treat

God Says Yes To Me by Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

Definite Life Goals

• Be a good cat-mama for Artie & Madeline
• Be able to assist our parents to live a better life
• Be an awesome partner/wife for Retardo
• Be debt-free by the time our as yet unmade child graduates high school
• Be more confident/spend less time hustling for approval
• Continue making a large portion of my clothing
• Do work that improves other people's lives
• Explore my spirituality & feel alive in my life
• Feel valued and supported in my work life
• Give more--work up to tithing 5% each year
• Go on one 10+ day and three 3+ day trips each year
• Have a monthly party that won't break our budget
• Have an amazing garden with tons of edibles
• Have and raise a child - be an awesome mama
• Have our own house with a good wishhome rating
• Know conversational Korean
• Live an earth-friendly sustainable lifestyle
• Love & support my extended family and friends
• Make art every day
• Make time each week for playing, dancing, and singing
• Live with less--simplify the un-necessities