"when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work"

"It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings."  ~Wendell Berry

what i know is that i can't sit here much longer. I am so full. So full that 

this chair is torture, this desk is torture, the fan, the still air outside
my small space, the clicking of the keyboard, the slurp of water that
cools me for a moment and then stops cooling me completely. So full.
So full that my shoes are tight, my socks bursting up in the tops, my
ankles swelling with fullness. So full. Soulful. Souffle of boredom
and stress rising between my shoulder blades and branching into my
medulla oblongata. Fullness itching at my eyelids, scratching the
hairs in my nose. Full Full Full. I am going to look that Wendell
Berry quote I saw yesterday up and I will emblazon it across my dusty
window; those who are doing nothing and all of it. Spinning my wheels,
driving the ruts in deeper. I may look like I am holding still but
desperation is driving me inside. Each shallow breath pushing that
fullness like freight from vein to tunnel changing vein. Each shallow
breath telling me that I am full and that soon there will be no more
space left for more of this. I know what I want now, I just don't know
how to get from here with this circumferential path of uncertainties
and rules and agonizing breathlessness to there, with it's golden
gleaming promises of art and joy and laughter and a warm baby to hold.
How do get there from here? Which route will lead me to the wide open
vista of my life? The top of the plateau, the gleaming desires wide
necked and open before me? The tangle of the ocean of desire. I wish
to read again. I wish to open myself up to the possibilities of
theory, the proudness of understanding original thought, the glee of
knowing something new rising within me. I am full of here, full or
desire for there.

I Was All Sick, So Here are Random Updates

But am now feeling better! I spent yesterday in my jammies, finishing Baby Ella's quilt. It turned out super stinking cute, and I am proud of myself. :-) I'll post pictures to this entry when I get back home, cuz I forgot to take them off my camera last night.


I have bruises on my both my knees from going roller skating on Saturday with friends. It was awesome, even with my tumble. But I can't kneel down, even on my soft squishy bed.

I dreamed last nightthat there were big and little people in the world, pint size vs. elephant size, and that I was one of the pint sized ones. We in the Small People Resistence had just found out that we were considered caviar for the Big People. It was a pretty crazy dream--very claymation scenery, and I lived in a little tiny apartment built into a giant wooden railroad bridge. The Big People had enormous cats that they used to keep us in line. I think I watched too many epsiodes of The Simpsons yesterday while doing the yarn tying on Ella's quilt.

Also, I have lost four pounds with weightwatchers so far. Again, small proud accomplishments.

And, now that I'm back at work, I just spent ten minutes clicking the next button at this website: http://www.morenewmath.com/random/ . It is awesome. Go now!

Feet Huuuurt!

OowwwwChe!

So I wore heels tonight for the first time in almost six months. BOoooooOooooOooooO! I remember now why I love maryjanes So Much!

But it was for a good reason--my work had a party cuz we did something awesome politically, and even though I didn't know anyone there but for the staff (cuz I'm a temp, duh) it was still great. I made three big cheese platters and organized all the other food and found the place (best chocolate factory in the world! yes! whoo-hoo!) and at one point on of our major donors asked me for a card for "my catering company" hahaha! Oh little old lady, if you only knew. ;-)

It felt good though--to pull something off so well and be recognized for it. More than one staff member and even a couple board members came up to me to ask me what I would need to consider staying on after next month. Answer = 10 more hours a week and benefits. Which would make it pretty much the most perfect job ever. ;-)

So, yeah, it was a good evening, even tho my feet Aaaeche!

I Hate My Job