We Were Bad-Asses, Or at Least We Thought So

It's been at least ten years since I really thought about middle school, but last night I dreamed the faces of my friends and there they were.

When I read news articles or when people talk about girl gangs, a part of me understands so completely. In sixth and seventh grade I was part of a group of friends that was inseparable. We were dictatorial, derisive, and cruel as only girls can be. We formed innumerable combinations of best friends and scapegoats among ourselves--but when we were all together it was like dynamite. Our slumber parties were epic and legendary among our fringe friends. We would stay up all night talking about boys and abortion and feeling sexy and how to get rid of pimples and the women we were so close to becoming. Together we tried out futures and personalities and experimented with how it felt to be in love. Their faces and names are etched so deeply inside myself that I could recognize the emotions in their expressions instantly in my dream.

Cassie. Aurelia. Alison. Megan. Darcie. Kelsey. Tara.

There were more girls, more friends who came and went, but those are the ones my heart remembers from before we scattered. By eighth grade I had moved away, and even though I have precious letters from some of them it was never the same--it never is. One of my friends ran away from home and never came back. Some of them finished high school and some didn't. By the time I started college, I was out of touch with all of them. If, as adults, we crossed paths I doubt I would recognize a single one of them unless we started talking and then I would like to think that our hearts would tumble out of our mouths and I could see their twelve year old faces again--all laughing and full of braces.

In my dream, I was being hunted--fleeing from the terrible knowing that someone is after you, knowing that they will catch you and when they catch you you will die. But my friends, those girls, they came to my assistance as naturally as they would back in seventh grade. Arriving at my side--answering questions someone asked me with the answers that were already in my mouth. Not because they thought I couldn't speak, but because they knew exactly what I was going to say and that by saying it for me I was made stronger for it. In the dream someone asked me who the leader was, and they answered, saying that there really wasn't one, but if they had to pick one it was me.

Hugging

This morning when I woke up I woke Retardo with my tears. It was a long convoluted dream, and I was going places, always going from one place to the next and at the end of the dream we arrived in this place and Everyone was there. Everyone, all sitting out in a long oval of lawn chairs, just waiting for us to arrive. And I saw my friend Droolie standing all the way down at one end and she had a lavender blanket over one shoulder and I knew there was a baby under it and ran all the way down and friends were heckling me because I didn't stop and say hello, and when I got down there I got to hug her and it was just her, there was no baby I could feel but the hug was so real and perfect and exactly what I needed and when we were done, I looked to my right and there was my Grandpa sitting in a chair and he was so whole so Not-Broken-Anymore and he said 'Come here Holly-Dolly,' and I came to him and he hugged me and it was such a good  good good hug.

Definite Life Goals

• Be a good cat-mama for Artie & Madeline
• Be able to assist our parents to live a better life
• Be an awesome partner/wife for Retardo
• Be debt-free by the time our as yet unmade child graduates high school
• Be more confident/spend less time hustling for approval
• Continue making a large portion of my clothing
• Do work that improves other people's lives
• Explore my spirituality & feel alive in my life
• Feel valued and supported in my work life
• Give more--work up to tithing 5% each year
• Go on one 10+ day and three 3+ day trips each year
• Have a monthly party that won't break our budget
• Have an amazing garden with tons of edibles
• Have and raise a child - be an awesome mama
• Have our own house with a good wishhome rating
• Know conversational Korean
• Live an earth-friendly sustainable lifestyle
• Love & support my extended family and friends
• Make art every day
• Make time each week for playing, dancing, and singing
• Live with less--simplify the un-necessities

Day 7 - The Closest Friends I Don't See Enough

In my time on this planet I have been blessed with amazing friends, but almost all of them are now happy memories that I think about sometimes. Luckily, not all of them are--there are a handful of friends that I clutch to myself so they can't fall away from me and I'm infinitely grateful to them for always being exactly themselves when we call each other or visit each other after a long absence.

Mia Catja. I have been your friend for almost fifteen years, and you have been mine for just as long. I think I knew when we met that I would keep you as my friend forever because we both seem to need each other in that way that means forever no matter what. You are loyal and kind and I don't think you've ever said to no to a single one of my (occasionally ridiculous) plans. You back me up and make me feel good about myself imperceptibly and always, and being your friend makes me a better person. I feel sometimes that you are the only person I allow to put me on a pedestal--and it's not because you don't see my flaws. You just don't care that they are there, and I hope I've given you that same assurance right back.

DroolieLee. You are such a song in my heart. There are people in our lives that bring us happiness, and thinking of you never fails to make me smile. I can't even remember the first time we sang the 'down in my shoes' song, but it is definitely ours in the way the swing sets and summertime are for laughing. You remind me to be both fierce and honest with myself and with others because every fiber of who you are demands it. When we see each other after a long time it takes seconds for my soul to spin around and smile with you.

Bina. It makes me sad sometimes to think about how close we used to be and much effort we both have to put in to get back to that space because we are simply different now. And it's okay, we both are where we need to be right now. And holding your hand is still holding your hand. I think though, that we will fly again together--our outrageousness and absolutely fabulousness will smack right into each other again and there we will be, and it's okay that that time isn't right now. Because I know we'll get there.

Day 2 - The Friends I See A Lot

Being thankful for the friends I see all the time is pretty stinking easy, cuz ya'll are great. I'm struck though, by how many of my dearest friends I wanted to include in the post but couldn't...because of that whole pesky 'see a lot' part. There's another day for you all, I promise.

Retardo--So, um, u r my bestie. It's why I married ya. Thanks, Dude, for wanting to be with me too. All the reasons I'm thankful for you could take up an entire encyclopedia set, so I'll stop there.

B--thank you for being my adopted big sister and opening your heart to me. I'm so thankful to have you in my life and for all the laughing-till-we-cry nights.

A--for being the little brother I never expected to have (stop poking me!!!) and being able to laugh at yourself even when you're sulking cuz you lost a board game. You are more like me than anyone I've ever met, and I'm consistently amazed that we manage to be friends in spite of that.

M--for your patience and kindness and soap-making skills. You are one of my quietest friends, but your presence rounds out our little circles pretty perfectly.

E-bug--the cutest little girlie in my life. I loves ya for your perfect hugs, your happy smiles and for your excitement about the world. I'm so happy that I get to watch you grow and learn and discover!

J--I get to have you as my office roommate, which is pretty awesome because we get to talk smack pretty much three days a week. Thanks for being my buddy and helping me make it through each work week.